This month’s question was answered by Dr. Ray DiGiuseppe

QUESTION:

Where/when is it defined as a character 'disorder', if you will, between one having 'standards' versus 'control' issues?

If I may clarify by way of example?

Within a relationship, Person A finds it offensive if Person B wears any jewelry (rec'd as gifts, etc.) from past relationships (ie, earrings, bracelets, necklaces) and forbids (in so many words) Person B to wear these items any longer.

Within a relationship/home, Person A finds it absolutely disrespectful if Person B rearranges a rooms' furniture without first getting Person A's input.

Person A 'critiques' what Person B eats/dresses... Person A only wants healthy food/daily exercise and feels Person B should as well, once and for all without 'falling off the wagon' of healthy living, as Person B holds Person A 'back' from living their life healthier. When Person B resists the 'constructive criticisms', Person A gets angry, that Person A is 'only trying to help' Person B.

Home of Persons A and B is perpetually under a state of construction because Person A is always making it look 'nicer' (not one room is fully finished).

Person B can not make any furnishing decisions without Person A's input.

These are just a few and understandably, it's only a peek into obviously larger issues... but bottom line, is there a difference between a person having standards that are so ...whatever, that it crosses over and manifests into a control issue....

Would very much appreciate your opinion.

ANSWER:

A character disorder is an old term for a personality disorder. What you are describing might best fit the Present DSM-IV definition of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. But I would not rush to judgment that the person you describe actually fits this diagnosis. Having standards is a good thing and never a sign of psychopathology.

The standards you refer to are also a matter of values. Some people value things others do not. A problem could arise if a person rigidly believes that all people they live with must live by his or her standards and values.

So it is the rigidity that would lead to a problem. Even if one has standards, it implies that some people will not meet those standards. You do not have to get angry or nag those who fall short of your :standards.

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